Ramblings

Sometimes, I feel like I understand why everything happens, and understand the way I feel, and the reasons I do the things that I do.
And there are other times where I feel like I am in a cloud of self failure, and the only thing that makes sense is, well nothing.
Today, I am not too sure what I feel. I think almost as always, that this life just doesn't get better. The only thing that changes is time.
Time just slips away, making things more meaningless. People slowly care about you less, or in lives of more important people, they supposedly get better.

It amazes me how you can look forward to something so much, and then when the time comes, it is nothing like you've imagined.
People can be so ignorant. They see right through you, and through your soul like there is nothing hindering you.

I guess most of this doesn't makes much sense. Well, I guess it doesn't really matter cause no one reads this anyways.

All I can say is, I hate this world. I hate it so much. I wish things were different, but they never will be....

Trapped

Why must they decide how I feel?
The words they speak, makes what they call truth.
Creating my destiny, my inner being interrupted by this disturbance
Trapped, trapped, nowhere to go, nothing I can do. Here and now, I am stuck and I want this to be over, everything.

My love, just hold me and call me your own.
Take me from the place where I don’t belong
Let me be rearranged into your world.
My reality scares and tears me, down, down, until I have almost nothing left.

I don’t want you to see.
I don’t want you to know, what happens when the expressions of my soul take over.
But then, I do want you to know and see, what takes hold of me.
Let you know, protect, embrace the pieces of me that are falling apart from the heart that’s mine.
I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I want to be small for you. I want to be seen, and known.
Hide me in your love, and slumber not in my times of darkness and despair.
Allow me to feel your warmth in distance, and when you’re near. Don’t let go, don’t let go, I am falling, falling, falling away. And I’m trapped.

Listening to God's call

Lately I've been reminded of our ever present God and how much he speaks to us. The reality is that we don't listen even though God is always talking to us, and then we wonder why God isn't talking to us. We distract ourselves, and fail to hear God, and then begin to complain. If that isn't worse enough, when we do hear God, we try to ignor what he is calling u to do. We fear to act out what God calls us to do. Like we ask God to tell us something we don't respond, we just sit and try to ignor that nudge we get in our hearts.
Currently I am in bio class, and today is our anual carnival at our school called Carniboo. I am very nervous because I am playing two songs. The thing is God told me I need to change one of my songs. I know can't not. So my plan exaclty is to change my song, and at lunch practise. God is fatihful, so I can only trust that God will be with me.
I'll let you know what happens. :)

We are all human beings

I must say, I find myself more or less a pretty neutral person. I would like if in a perfect world, to be everyone's friend, and get along with everyone. However, that isn't a reality, and I must settle with the fact that there will be many people who don't like me, or whom don't want to have anything to do with me.None the less, I still strive to be that "neutral" accepting person. I think that it is so important.
Yesterday, on our trip to the holocaust centre, a holocaust survivor shared her story with us. The one thing that stuck out, and was intented to, was the message of equality, loving each other, treating each other with respect, and that we are all human beings. I thought that was profound. This is bang on scripture. God calls us to love each other as ourselves, and that we are equal in his eyes.
My intention of writing this blog was originally to share a beef of mine, but I guess it turned into something a little better....
Today after school, I was feeling pretty good. Good about the people I was surrounded with by most of the day and so on. However, I ran into a situation that was very unsettling. I was in an elevator at the mall, and I was bobbing my head singing along with my music a little. There was this old lady who came in along with me and someone else I was with, and this lady gives me such a dirty look. Like I was some horrible person, because of the fact that I was a teenager, and I have purple hair, and I like music. It made me so angry! I felt so hurt, so judged, when this lady doesn't know half of who I am.
It just goes to show though, how easy it is to judge someone before knowing them, or making a call on who they are as a person by the way they look or anything else. But, it is such a horribly wrong thing to do. We need to be so careful, even when we think things to our own selves.
Lets seriously, myself included, really take this to heart. We are all humans, so we might as well get along with one another, and show some love among all people. Spread the word!

What is beauty?

The more the media gets invloved in our lives, the more it tells us that we suck. The more it tells us that we need to be prettier, skinnier, smarter or whatever. It honetly is driving a lot of people I know as well as myself into this spiral of self hate, and low self worth. You look in the mirror and all you can see is what you need to change and what you aren't, and wish you were. I am more than postive that the world would be such a better place if appearance was not "valued" so much. I am sure that the majority of people would be better people because they would feel better about themselves, therefore not feeling the need to down others to be able to feel better about themselves. But really, what is beauty? We can all call ourselves ugly and fat, but truly, what is it we are striving to be? I keep thinking about myself, and the more I do, the more I think I am ugly as fact, and the more I think people think the same as I do. I really just long to let got of this, as well as the people I know and care about a lot to be able to too. It fustrates me that Satan does this to us. The only thing I can think of is just praying him off. God is beauty, he created me, and therefore, may my beauty be in him. As easy as that is to say, in reality it is one of the hugest struggles people face today. Sigh, when will this all end. How long oh LORD?